Full Metal Dojo: Fight Circus Diary (the Second)
The end of the beginning
Would that all Rome had but one neck!
— Caligula
It’s a rare day when I do two posts in a weekend, but it’s a rarer day still we get the RIZIN / Fight Circus combo. So here is yesterday’s RIZIN 25 for you reading pleasure and on to the great and shameless depravity we all expect from Fight Circus 2.
If you missed my post on the first Fight Circus, you missed my journey from being a boy to a man as I watched a chick get the snot knocked out of her in a bareknuckle fight as she sobbed uncontrollably. Uncomfortably exploitive! in flashing red letters across my mind’s interior. But along with that sordid scene was the genius of the 2-on-1 MMA fight, the all-kicking fight, and myriad other bizarre-o wonders of the Soi. Yes, some of these things may sound stupid, but goddamnit they were not. They were awesome. And I have come back for more.
In the meantime, I’ve also had some time to reflect on my first Fight Circus experience and heard an interview with Full Metal Dojo impresario Jon Nutt in which he described Fight Circus as “satirical MMA.” I mean, fuck yes. I can think of little more ripe for satirical tomfoolery than the “sport” which holds Dana White as its wizened elder. Nutt’s small (perhaps throwaway) statement really clicked for me and made me even more interested in what was in store for the second installment. We shall find out if my expectations will be met or dashed on the rocks of crude gay-panic jokes and un-clever double entendre. (Probably a little bit of both.)
We’re starting off right with Jon Nutt annihilating social distancing protocols as he steps to the ring to sing the Thai National anthem and get the event started. I forgot about this from last time; it was awesome and he brings the same energy again, possibly even more so with a slightly sad, meditative quality absent from the last rendition, perhaps in consideration for the political strife currently happening in Thailand.
We get a bit (more) of the “satire” right off the bat as Nutt announces his first fight as a grievous open-weight mismatch with one guy heading for a likely ass-kicking. Curiously however, it’s the smaller guy who is favored and he gets the quick G&P victory. I think the big guy quit after getting kicked once during the last event? (Yes, same guy.) After the fight Nutt says he wants to bring him back to lose for every event. Nice.
Fuck yeah, next up are Bank and No Money who were the absolute highlight of Fight Circus 1 with their 2-on-1 match versus “The Crazy Russian.” Tonight they face the "King of Kebab” who also fought last time against some pasty skinny English guy. But not before a little surprise leg kick contest with Bank against Young Baktol - the younger brother of the previous fighter. This is some seriously convoluted shit. Bank wins it and he’s still got to fight (with his brother) the Kebab guy after getting kicked in the leg several times. A bit of a handicap to even out the fight, which probably isn’t necessary as Bank kind of sucked last time and his brother did all the work.
Bank does not appear to have worked on his striking since the last fight. Nor his fight IQ. Though he does get some nice body kicks going eventually to the King of Kebab’s voluminous gut. The fight ends in the third round as the ref (former UFCer Tommy Hayden), calls it. Amazingly, Kebab does a better job than the Crazy Russian, but that’s probably due to having seen the tape on Bank and No Money. Verdict: not as cool as last time, but that’s a steep hill to climb.
Next up is the hot leg-wrestling babes, which I think is an improvement on the teenage girl Lethwei. Just like normal exploitation rather than especially fucked-up exploitation. Unfortunately we’re missing one of the original hot babes as she missed her plane from Koh Samui (a very relaxing vacation spot btw), so we get a replacement “babe” who looks like she’s ready for her hot yoga class. The ref is the guy who reffed some quarantine ONE Championship fights, which is still just fucking hysterical to me. Chatri would not be amused. The non-replacement babe wins.
It’s time for the “All-Spinning-Shit” fight. This one has some potential. Was this the Lethwei guy from the last event? Im pretty sure it is. (It is.)
Spinning elbows seem like the most effective technique as they can actually get close enough to land. The commentators don’t seem too happy about the fight, but I thought it was okay, sort of balletic. Bad decision though giving it to the Brazilian as the Thai fighter certainly connected more. But not all bad as the loser gets a new bong.
Speaking of the commentators, they seem to have been told to reign in their more offensive, over-the-top tendencies from last time and they largely succeed, making the commentary both a little better and a little boring. Still plenty of ladyboy cocksucking mentions.
Mike Perry is walking out at UFC 255 the same time as the Battle of the Bands begins on Fight Circus. Perry’s a guy who could find a home sleeping off hangovers and waking up with random ladyboys in some dingy Phuket dive. Give it a couple of years. The bands’ music sounds okay as they are walking out; don’t really look like fighters though. I do not predict a thrilling contest of sporting excellence. (BTW this is a tag team Muay Thai fight 2 on 2 fight.) I think the nu-metal guys will beat the pop-punk guys. After the first round, I’m thinking it will go to a draw. Jon Nutt between rounds calling for more aggression is the new “ACTION! ACTION!” It’s seriously like a 3rd grade classroom at recess. Meanwhile, Mike Perry is a bloody Bangkok-ready mess.
After a few duds, we have three “relatively legit” fights to finish off the night. Well, at least people with some competence at combat sports. First up is the “kicking only” champ from Fight Circus 1 (a totally awesome fight) taking on a new challenger for the title. The ref calls it just at the end of the first round in favor of the reigning champ after he injures his opponent. That dude remains a badass.
Interestingly, that was the one sort of repeat fight from Fight Circus 1 that was as good as the first installment. I’m saying it was because there was a bit of fighting skill coupled with the goofiness.
One DJ would fucking smoke Lebron, but that’s another matter. At Fight Circus, the three little guys don’t look like total unathletic dweebs (like the Battle of the Bands guys for example) and don’t really look so little so this could be ugly for the big man Panda Banks. Wow! But he survives a wild first round. He is mostly overwhelmed for the remainder of the fight but survives. Not amazing, but it was more interesting than the Valentina fight open in my other window and Panda wins a painting of Bill Clinton in drag.
Now I see Shevchenko’s on the bottom? Is she losing? That would be a shocker.
Main event time and it’s a bareknuckle fight under BKFC rules. I thought the FMD guys were partnered with World Lethwei Championship? That’s weird it’s not Lethwei. Anyway. It’s the “Crazy Thai Guy” against some Geordie Shore reject. (Reject is harsh, Geordie Shore semi-regular.) Geordie using his size and reach to consistently piece up the Thai guy, who does come back to do some damage in the final round. Valentina seems to be getting her shit together in the other window. Geordie wins it in a controversial split decision and is for real getting a contract with BKFC.
Holy shit, Bob Sapp!!! Holy shit, Bob Sapp and a bunch of midgets!!! WTF!!!
Bob greets his fans the world over and laughs maniacally as Jon Nutt sputters in excitement. “But Bob,” Nutt says, “What are you doing here?” Bob looks at the hot Thai chick on his arm, thanks Cam Soda, says, “I came here to bust a nut,” and proceeds to punch Jon Nutt in the face. Bedlam ensues, midgets pummel Nutt, the stream goes down, and yes! OMG, what a finish! I’m not much of a pro-wrestling fan, but hell, maybe I am now.
What an ending. Almost makes the rest of the event feel irrelevant. Sort of like RIZIN 25 in that way. But, as with RIZIN 25, the rest of the event did exist, and we must judge it as a whole in order to properly evaluate the quality. Much like the King of Kebab and Bank and No Money, we knew a bit more what to expect coming into this one, so it just couldn’t surprise us like the first event. Yet, at moments, it definitely did. It is not often watching MMA that I find myself giggling in maniacal glee at the bizarre spectacle unfolding before me, but I got at least three of those moments during Fight Circus 2. (I would say there was one comparable moment at RIZIN 25 - that final swang and bang 20 seconds of the main event.)
Perhaps, after all, that is the best judge of quality: how many times during an event do I find myself wildly entertained? By that standard Fight Circus undoubtedly wins my fight sports weekend, and quite probably my month, with some competition from the Bellator show with Pitbull. Regardless, I am fully converted to the FMD way and a firm Fight Circus fan. I look forward to Fight Circus 3 and whatever they fuck they plan to do with Bob Sapp (I would predict a BKFC connection, but Bob doesn’t exactly like to get hit so I don’t know). Paige VanZant leg wrestling? We can dream.
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